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pauliophonic: Checking your cell phone is the new yawning.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:56:36 -0400

Checking your cell phone is the new yawning.

The origin story of "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns n' Roses

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 19:31:31 -0400

The origin story of "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns n' Roses:

Finally, the old man spoke, or rather squawked, in a high-pitched shriek. “DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?” The boys, taken aback, just looked at him. “I SAID, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?” Bill Bailey said, “Uh, we’re just trying to get to…” “YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE, BABY!” Bill Bailey — the future W. Axl Rose — just stared at him in wonderment.

I love Zombies eating brains

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:39:11 -0400

I love Zombies eating brains

Live action Simpsons

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:16:00 -0400

Live action Simpsons

The Sesame Streets - Martin Scorsese

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:08:00 -0400

The Sesame Streets - Martin Scorsese

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Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:56:18 -0400

"Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday’"

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 18:02:52 -0400

““Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday’””

- Steven Wright

"You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 17:59:08 -0400

““You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.””

- Joe E. Lewis

Corrections to Last Month's Letters to Penthouse Forum

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 13:37:36 -0400

Corrections to Last Month's Letters to Penthouse Forum

"Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose."

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 13:28:10 -0400

“Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.”

- Bill Gates

"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can BUY trophies. Now I’m good at everything!"

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 18:12:42 -0400

“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can BUY trophies.
Now I’m good at everything!”

- Demetri Martin

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Mon, 21 Jul 2008 20:20:06 -0400

"A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says is never accurate, because he unconsciously..."

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 19:22:16 -0400

“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says is never accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand”

- Bertrand Russel

I keep telling myself this and then I chicken out right before...

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 19:20:21 -0400

I keep telling myself this and then I chicken out right before ai give them the card number

"Nobody knows what you want except you. And nobody will be as sorry as you if you don’t get it...."

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 20:12:38 -0400

“Nobody knows what you want except you. And nobody will be as sorry as you if you don’t get it. Wanting some other way to live is proof enough of deserving it. Having it is hard work, but not having it is sheer hell.”

- Lillian Hellman

21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 13:04:43 -0400

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy….

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

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Thu, 26 Jun 2008 14:14:37 -0400

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Tue, 24 Jun 2008 18:36:57 -0400

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of..."

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:06:51 -0400

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…and you finish off as an orgasm!”

- George Carlin (1937-2008)

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Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:56:54 -0400